Mouter (mouter) wrote,
Mouter
mouter

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Reflection on my life - confession!

Ohayou minna-san!
I was away from livejournal community for quite a while I must admit. My life was a mess and I could not think about coming back here. I also have done a reflection on myself and my life and I decided to confess something to you. I don't know how many of you knows me here or even remember about me, but I feel as if I need to admit to something to you. It is not an easy task I am afraid, because I lied to you. You may hate me right now, but still I need to do it. Just to make sure I would feel better afterwards.
I said to you that I was a boy and that was the biggest mistake of my life. I mean I did that to quite a lot of communities. I act as if I was a boy, because it was easier for me. I was down at that time and I felt like rubbish. I felt as if nobody would like the true me. I feel like an idiot right now, but this is a truth. I believed that acting as if I was someone else would make me more interesting and more valuable. In fact I also believed that saying something as a boy was protecting myself. I don't really know how to explain it properly to you. It was as if I wasn't myself while acting as a boy. I was protecting my true self, like talking to each other as a boy I could say everything what I wanted and there would be no effect on me afterwards. I was afraid of saying something as me, but while I was acting I could do it. I think it was silly of me, but yes... I was such a coward, such a shy person.

So I have finally decided to start over. This is me. My name is Martyna and currently I am 25. I am a little bit overweight and I am fighting with that with no or little sucess. This year I passed my  BA exam and I have got my teaching licence. I am an English Teacher, but I do not feel lots of confidence while teaching. What is more, I have started my MA studies and it is tough but I'm doing fine. I also has started working as a teacher in the language school. It is fine, although I have problems while teaching grammar.
What is more about me, I am trying to reach my dreams so I have started to learn Japanese. I also am writing letters with lots of people around the world and at holidays I am working in England together with international team at the language camps. I have lots of fun with them. Playing around I have finally found my courage to confess to you. I found out I am really nice person and I do not need to hide anymore. I can be myself while talking to anyone.

I hope you won't discriminate for my mistakes. I know I was not fair with you all and I am terribly sorry for that. I really am. I want you to know that and I hope one day you are going to forgive me for that.
Tags: personal
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